My husband of close to 20 years left me and our two children about a year and a half ago. I have two college degrees and worked while he got his college education, which was paid for by his parents. I paid our rent, and I cashed out my retirement account (I know that was a bad idea now) in order for us to buy our first home.
Before our marriage, we both agreed that I would be a stay-at-home mom. On top of that, I ran my own business and worked several part-time jobs. When he decided to leave out of the blue, he said he didn’t want custody of the children and that I could basically have the house. Now it turns out that he still wants 50% of the house — but the kids and I need this house to live in.
Stuck with the mortgage payment
We do not want to uproot the children, but that means I am stuck with the mortgage payment, utility bills and maintenance costs. When we sell this house in about five to six years, if we split it evenly, I will be screwed, because I am the one putting money into the house and I am the one making the mortgage payments, which are also going toward the principal.
Am I crazy for thinking that I should get a significantly higher percentage of this house when we sell? I am referring to things that are noncosmetic, such as seal coating the driveway before it crumbles, a new roof, heating unit, fencing, etc. These are all things that are required to maintain a house and also can potentially increase the value of the house.
He said he will not pay any mortgage or housing costs or contribute anything to fix the house and maintain it. I have full custody of our children, and he pays approximately $200 per child per month in child support. But he has left me in a quandary. Please help, and let me know what I should do. I am tempted to lawyer up.
Holding onto Our Home
Related: ‘Buy a yacht,’ he told me. My fiancé, 67, is cutting his kids out of his will — and leaving everything to me. Should I be suspicious?
Dear Holding,
Give into the temptation. The sooner you bring a legal resolution to this situation, the better. You don’t say where you live, but all U.S. states except for Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin are equitable-distribution states, meaning assets in a divorce are divided equitably and fairly, if not exactly equally.
The other states follow the principles of community property — anything you brought into the marriage, you take with you — as long as those assets were not commingled. Commingling occurs if a person buys a home with their own money before they marry and their spouse contributes to a major renovation, or they use money from a joint account for the mortgage.
In your case, I presume both your names are on both the deed and the mortgage. If a person goes on the former, they should always have their name on the latter, as well. Believe me when I say that’s not always the case, and one partner is stuck paying the mortgage while the other has no responsibility except to collect their share of the proceeds when the home is sold.
A judge could order a home sale
You’re not crazy, but you would be least unwise to wait before bringing some kind of legal agreement to bear on your husband and his actions. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it will be to ensure that your estranged spouse pays his fair share. Don’t wait five years. You are both responsible for paying the mortgage, and a judge may order the home be sold.
I asked a divorce lawyer about your situation on your behalf. “I have trouble believing that any judge would not take into consideration your far higher contributions toward the house’s equity when ultimately dividing it up between you two,” says William C. Gentry, owner of Gentry Law Firm in Marietta, Ga. (Georgia is one of those aforementioned equitable-distribution states.)
“Any retirement-account contributions you made before you two got married would likely be considered your separate property and returned to you off the top, while contributions you made after he left the house could also possibly be considered yours off the top,” says Gentry, who is the author of “I Want Out: A Woman’s Guide To Finding Peace Through Divorce.”
Retirement accounts and child support
This is a challenging time to sell a home and buy another, with the 30-year mortgage-interest rate hitting 8% for the first time since August 2000. You may also have to deal with capital-gains tax. All the more reason for you to seek legal counsel and to create a road map to hold your husband accountable. Make sure you keep a detailed list of all of your expenses.
Aside from selling the home and refinancing the mortgage in one person’s name, the most desirable way to resolve this would be to buy your husband out of the house, which you might not be able to afford to do, or to sell and downsize to a smaller property. You could explore a home-equity line of credit or home-equity loan, but those can get expensive.
For a parent bringing up two children, $200 a month per child does not sound like a lot of child support, and Gentry agrees that this amount should be renegotiated. The average child-support payment is $5,150 a year or $430 a month, according to the U.S. Census Bureau’s latest data; that, of course, would depend on your marital income, expenses and your cost of living.
You have work ahead of you, but the time has come to take off the gloves.
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